Why coaching, why me, why now?

I’ve spent the majority of my adult life meandering painfully and aimlessly. Looking back now, I can see that I was running from growth, paralyzed by trauma and loss. I used drugs and alcohol and sex and external validation to try to fill a gaping void of feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy. I was so ashamed of myself — for having such a hard time acclimating to adulthood, for failing to have any clear career ambition or plan for the future and for not having it "all figured out”.

Please let me be clear. I don’t wish I hadn’t experienced life the way I did, then or now. But it was hard. I took the hard way through my twenties. I didn’t learn from others. I tested every boundary for myself and deeply felt every feeling of isolation and loneliness and despair. I’m not proud of many of my choices, but I am proud for having survived.

I’ve always felt called to give back, to make an impact. Part of my frustration from the decade of partying was that I knew I wasn’t living up to my full potential. I knew I was taking the easy and comfortable way down the river, floating wherever the current drew me. I used to hope that something horribly traumatic and shocking would happen to me, just to jolt me out of my cycle of revelry (as if losing my father wasn’t enough).

Everything started to change in 2018, the year before I turned 30. I was in a relationship that I had fought SO hard for but that I was starting to realize wasn’t right for me. I took the leap and quit my full time job in property management to travel to Costa Rica and get my yoga teaching certification. Little did I know, but my life would never be the same again.

Surrounded by the jungle and other warrier women who were pursuing growth and transformation, I experienced a month of spiritual and physical healing. Since I started heavily drinking in highschool, this was the longest amount of time I spent without alcohol. I felt clarity and was reintroduced to my baseline. After a magical month in the jungle, I also shockingly discovered that I was one month pregnant with my daughter Luna. (I know, WHAT?!)

Luna’s father / my then partner was fully supportive of my decision to become a mother. I am forever grateful for mine and Ben’s relationship as it’s evolved through a painful breakup to multiple business partnerships and a loving coparenting relationship. Ben has provided support and space for me to be curious in my career path and I would be remiss if I did not mention this.

Cut to: we are recently broken up and I’m in $20k of consumer debt, I have no job and a four month old. I knew I had to do something. So, per my usual habit, I turned to google and typed in “how to become financially literate”. This google search changed my life. If I had to pinpoint a lightbulb moment, this would be it.

I just started doing everything the internet told me to do. I read Rich Dad, Poor Dad and something clicked. I found several influential podcasts, most notably “Moneysplained” and “Choose FI”. I read every book I could get my hands on about personal finance and financial independence. I started airbnb-ing my personal home every weekend and driving to Atlanta to stay with friends. I worked every shift I could at Ideal Bagel, my restaurant job. I signed up for real estate classes and got my license.

Then: COVID hit. The restaurant closed. For me as a brand new realtor, everything stalled. Against my better judgement, I accepted a full time job in property management, this time for a bigger company. I barely lasted a year. The hours were long, the pay was meager, the boss was toxic. Then, I got pregnant again, this time by someone who wasn’t a good potential partner. I lost this pregnancy in the second trimester. I was devastated and the father disappeared, leaving me to deal with the loss and heartbreak alone.

After a trip to visit my sister on the west coach, I knew I had to change my life. I was unhappy and at the whims of this awful job. I got home and quit almost immediately. When I say a weight was lifted, ooooh buddy. But, the pregnancy loss had caused health complications and I needed to undergo a surgical procedure to stop the bleeding. My mom came up for the weekend, but I mostly did this alone. Thankfully, Luna will be too young to remember, but I was so so crippled with grief during this time.

But: I joined a bigger corporate brokerage with lots of social and mentorship opportunities. I started buying and selling houses. Luna’s father and I got a pair of houses for a great deal and we started renovating. The going was slow but I kept going. Everytime I thought about giving up and getting a job, I remembered the trapped feeling of captivity I would undoubtedly feel and that motivated me to push forward.

I started using social media to tell my story. I posted when I felt good and I posted when I didn’t feel good. I alienated some of my friends who didn’t like the person I was becoming, eager for more out of my time on earth than drinking every night and complaining about life.

I spent almost a year in another relationship that wasn’t right for me. Everything about it pointed to a good match, but the chemistry wasn’t there. It was hard, but I broke it off. He was a good man, but not the right one for me.

Shortly afterward, in March of this year, I met someone who rocked my world. I thought I had finally met HIM. Everything was like how I had imagined it. He swept me off my feet and told me things I’d longed to hear my whole life. For the brief three weeks before he disappeared, I lived in delirious happiness but also fear that he would leave. He did.

It was this experience that so painfully showed me that I still had so much work to do. I realized that I was still waiting for someone to come and save me, that deep down I still didn’t feel like I was worthy or whole. I dove deep into learning about attachment theory and feminine and masculine energies and really just stared so deeply into the dark abyss inside of me that I had ignored for so long.

This was hard. My wounds created by having a father who didn’t accept me as worthy or enough were still oozing. My deep wounds from being raised in a fundamental church that preached my inadequacy were still there too. Acknowledging and beginning to process and heal this trauma was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done and am still doing daily.

It’s the part about loving myself that I was missing all these years. I wasn’t kind or compassionate or understanding to myself. I let my inner dialogue speak such mean negative words to me, all the time. I am still in the process of retraining my inner voice, but I’m now able to catch myself and reframe the language. I’ve prioritized my relationship with myself, giving her the food, the exercise, the rest and the enjoyment she deserves.

So… all of this to say. I’m entering the world of coaching because I want to help women who may be experiencing similar pain. I don’t consider myself healed or perfect or anything like that, but I do GET IT. I get it and I want to help. I want to help those who are struggling to process or endure or survive. I so deeply and lovingly want to help others thrive in a way that is powerful and ingratiating and proud. Let’s GOOOOOOOOOOOO.