Day 14: Widening the Window of Tolerance
“Resistance creates suffering. Stress happens when your mind resists what IS. The only problem in your life is your mind’s resistance to life as it unfolds.”
When I was younger, I misunderstood a lot of things. My dear mother, of course she tried the best she could, but I had NO idea about this “window of tolerance”. I used to think that I would eventually reach a place in life where the stress would subside or there wouldn’t be hardship.
I know, delusional, right?
I went through life inadvertently making decisions, over and over, that would narrow my window of tolerance. I didn’t realize this window was the one thing I COULD control.
So, what is this concept of the window of tolerance? Great question. I learned the term this past month from Gaby Colleta in her talk about the overview of ayurveda. Originally coined by Dan Siegel, MD, a professor of psychiatry at UCLA, the window of tolerance essentially refers to the window in which you can keep your shit together.
The fact that this window exists is no surprise, and I’m so glad I now have a way to talk about it.
Let’s go through some examples: you haven’t gotten enough sleep and then things don’t go as planned. You’re hungover and your kid is screaming for you to play with them. You are in an anxious cycle dating a new person and they don’t text you back immediately. This window could narrow with any kind of dysregulation (anxiety, stress, cycling, overthinking, unhealthy habits, etc).
Recently, I heard someone talking about the meaning of life (coulda been Dan Koe, coulda been a Stoic, can’t remember), and they actually named self-mastery as the meaning of life. I 100% agree with this.
And if self-mastery is the meaning of life, widening the window of tolerance is the method. Of course, this is daunting. Life would be a whole lot easier if it would just get easier, amirite?!
But that’s not going to happen anytime soon. There’s always going to be something out of your control that’s freaking interfering with your ideal plan. I love the quote: “Life is what happens when you’ve got other plans.”
So, if we can’t control the uncontrollable, what can we control? This is the meaty juicy right question to be asking ourselves. What the hell makes you feel good?
And my first thought is oh, well if I’m fucked up on weed or alcohol, I don’t care about anything.
While that may be true, I would argue this is an artificial and insufficient remedy, everything is all waiting for you in the morning, brighter and bigger and more obtrusive.
So, back to my question, what the hell makes you feel good?
Often, we spend extended periods of time avoiding this question. We’re told that when you’re an adult, you’re not supposed to feel good or when you’re a parent, it’s selfish if you care about your own wellbeing, or if you’re a mother, everyone else comes first.
These are lies perpetuated by a consumer economy that wants you to buy their products / drugs / substances.
As adults striving for a life well lived (I’m going to assume that’s what you are, if you’re reading my blog), it is one of our CORE responsibilities to know what makes us tick, what makes us feel good, what widens our window of tolerance.
For me, it’s movement, it’s connection, it’s learning about things that interest me, it’s being in love, it’s taking time in the morning for myself because I’m fucking worth it.
It can also look like declining invitations to events I don’t want to go to, or blocking a creepy person who won’t stop sending creepy DMs. It’s sobriety and making healthy food with friends and then taking a walk.
Remember, no one is going to come up to you and sit you down and ask you what makes you feel good and then do it (if anyone does this, keep them around duh), but ultimately, it’s our damn job and purpose.
If self-mastery is the meaning of life, asking yourself “what regulates / delights me?” is the first step.
All the alarms are going off, it’s time to go get the Bear up for school. I’m going to jog after drop off and then attend a conference about the economic state of Georgia and then drive to Nashville for a comedy show that may or may not be a political rally.
Peace.
