Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway
"If you hear a voice within you say 'you cannot paint,' then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced"
- Vincent van Gogh
I’m sitting here at a mountain cabin just outside of Sedona, Arizona. I’ve come here for a yoga + creative process retreat.
I’ve been waking up early because I’m still on EST. I guess that’s a hack for early rising, go west. (lol) Would only work for so long.
It’s a short retreat, we’ll be packing up and leaving tomorrow. I came here with the commitment to be open to what might occur.
Painting and making art scares me. I know, I know, it’s all about the process and letting go and tapping in, but all of that seems to be difficult to me.
Writing has always been my go to outlet. When I really think about why that may be, I suppose it’s because there’s more control involved. I know the english language like the back of my hand. I have experience translating what’s inside me to words on a page.
Art on the other hand… give me anxiety, fear and insecurity. There’s been a lot of unpacking metaphorical dirty laundry while I’m here.
The only way I can think to describe this process is a connecting and disconnecting at once. Which barely makes any sense if you think about it too hard, but I suppose most things don’t.
The first part of my life was spent avoiding myself, avoiding being with the discomfort of what it mean to be alone and human. Trying to quiet the voice inside me that speaks softly, sometimes too low to hear amidst the noise of day to day life.
[Trip is over now, and I’ve come home. Reflection is hard during, maybe a little bit easier now that I’m home. (it’s not, still have a hard time sitting still for very long.)]
But I digress. I’m thinking back to a conversation that I happen to keep having. It’s about the presence of fear. Fear that freaking beloved and horrible thing. Fear is our brain’s biological mechanism to keep us safe. Do we need / want to remain safe? The answer to this is yes.
But does fear sometimes arise when really, we are quite safe, just uncomfortable? Yes, again.
This brings to mind a book I read once, Feel the Fear… and Do It Anyway. The author talks about fear quite a bit, but also acknowledges the fact that we’re going to be dang scared sometimes, and the best move is to take one tiny step forward.
I felt fear today.
I’m preparing to speak next week at a women’s networking event and I’m scared shitless. I had a public speaking coaching session today where we ran through my talk. Even though it was just me and Leslie in the room, I felt that fear.
And you know what? Next week when I’m up there onstage, I’m going to feel that fear again. But you know what? I’m going to do it anyway.
Wow, this post is taking forever to write. I guess that’s what happens when I don’t give myself enough time to sit down and really start flowing.
There’s a guided meditation that I do sometimes. It’s called “Manifest Your Deepest Desires” (if you don’t have Insight Timer, do yourself a favor and get that!) and there’s a portion of the meditation where the teacher guides you to visualize a future moment in your career.
For me, the image that appears is me, on a stage, speaking to people who are listening and attentive.
I guess that means I manifested this opportunity? I just wish my chest didn’t squeeze up so much when I think about actually doing it. I’m going to practice the shit out of it and really hone my message (how to create authentic connections through networking).
Like I mentioned just now, this post is fractured and written over the span of much too long. If anyone reads it, know that this is how my brain works -- there’s like a million tiny rooms with conversations going on inside them and my consciousness can hear each and every voice.
It’s a bit chaotic.
So, for now: I’m going to keep meditating on my life, following my intuitive wanderings, and moving in a direction that feels fluid and right for me. Thanks for reading. :-)
