Creating Authentic Connection Through Networking
What is authentic connection in networking? How is it different than forming shallow connections? Is it even better? Why should we care? I’m going to explore these questions and more in this post. Thanks for reading.
I have something to admit to you. I used to hate networking. Imagine all the classic horror stories you can think of when you think about networking, and that was likely my experience.
I would have such horrible social anxiety before and during an event. I didn’t know what to say in conversations. I would feel so awkward and really just not enjoy it at all. All of this discomfort would cause me to take extra trips to the bar, hoping this would help. Hint: it doesn’t.
But, in the last couple of years something changed. I realized I was doing it all wrong. I was engaging in superficial ways, hoping for a genuine connection and it wasn’t working. Why?
Before we dig in, let’s talk briefly about some definitions here. Networking is the process of making connections and building relationships with others and in this setting, hopefully doing business with them in the future. Now, I love this definition, but I’d like to add to it. I want to add in differentiation. When you are successful in networking, you are helping people know, like and trust you. This will differentiate you. Unless you are in a super niche industry, you are probably not the only person people know who does what you do.
I might know seven different gutter cleaning guys, but the one I’m calling is the one who I know, like and trust. The best way to differentiate yourself is to be yourself.
I also believe that very good networking skills will even land you with some deep and meaningful friendships. My last several years with the Athens Chamber are a testament to that.
So, now, let’s compare authentic vs shallow and superficial.
Authentic: real, warm, powerful, meaningful, compelling, memorable, energizing. After connecting with someone on this level, you might feel lighter and happier.
When we have shallow and forced connection, it can be cold, boring, forgettable, lackluster, draining, awkward. These are the types of interactions that will make you wish you had stayed home.
So, without further ado, here’s some hacks I’ve learned to make networking more enjoyable and YES, more authentic. These are deeply influenced by Jen Gottlieb’s book, Be Seen, as well as my own experiences and mishaps in networking.
As always, take what you want and leave everything else.
When I was speaking earlier about shallow, awkward and draining kind of networking, who could relate? Who has ever felt awkward at a networking event? Honestly, I believe it’s every single person who has ever networked [is that a word?!]
It’s completely normal and expected to feel uncomfortable when you’re in an unfamiliar setting. That is our body’s natural and biological survival processes at work.
So, #1: Acknowledge the elephant in the room. You can admit that sometimes networking is not our number one favorite thing to always be doing. True, authentic connection is made when there is vulnerability. You might say something like “wow, I hate this.” or “oh no, there’s that awkward silence we were all worried about.” It’s better to be honest and open than stiff and forced and you might even get a laugh.
And my recommendation when you get a laugh? Go talk to that person, because they’re cool. ;-)
Next, let’s talk about body language. Body language is so important when it comes to all thing communication. I don’t think it’s spoken about enough.
If I’m at an event and I really don’t want to be there, my body is going to subconsciously give off this energy. My shoulders might hunch a little bit, maybe I hold my head lower and look at my phone. I’m not going to exude confidence and others might not feel comfortable coming up to me and talking to me.
But get this: research shows, just by simply smiling, our brain releases dopamine, serotonin and endorphins, all of which work to decrease anxiety and increase feelings of happiness. If that’s not a networking hack, I don’t know what is.
So, before your next event, get your game face on. Smile, hold your head and shoulders high, neck long. You’ll fool your brain and probably everyone you meet as well.
This next tip might be the most important one of them all. If you don’t listen to any of this talk, that’s fine, just pay attention to this one. Ready? Be interested, not interesting.
This doesn’t just go for networking, I’ve heard it in negotiations, sales, parenting, so many different areas of communication. Think active listening and empathy, not trying to impress the other person or use them as your personal therapist.
How many times have you been in a conversation with someone and you don’t get a entire word in edgewise? I’m sure I’m not the only one this has ever happened to. Don’t be that person!
Genuine connection comes from finding common ground and you won’t find that if you don’t ask any questions.
Also, remember people’s favorite topic of conversation is themselves. We all have likely heard Maya Angelou’s quote, “People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
Use thoughtful questions as a way to engage with the other person. Maybe even have a question of the week or month, that you ask everyone in that first conversation. It could be anything, but the more you care about the answer, the better.
I like to ask people “do you have any trips coming up?” or “what’s been bringing you joy recently?” Since I love talking about traveling and delightful things, any answer that comes out of someone’s mouth is going to interest me.
At our last Ambassador lunch introductions, we all answered Marissa’s current favorite question: “If you could know the answer to any mysteries or unknown historical event, what would it be?” You can imagine the wide variety of interesting answers we got from everyone with that question.
When you ask open ended questions like this and then listen to the answer, it’s amazing what you can learn about people and what they’re thinking about.
I always like to say, “the quality of the conversations you are having directly depends on the quality of the questions you are asking.”
Let’s talk about what happens if you go to a networking event and just talk to your friends the whole time. Anyone ever done that? Obviously, we love spending time with our friends, but be honest with yourself. If you are at a networking event to make business contacts, this next tip just might be for you.
Set yourself time limits. I’ve never gone so far as to actually set a timer, but give yourself a mental time block. When it feels like time to move on to the next conversation, just say so. This is also a great way to get out of a conversation that you don’t want to be in.
“So nice to meet you, gotta get to my next conversation, I’m timing myself.” It might feel a little bit uncomfortable, but I promise, it’s less uncomfortable than being trapped in a conversation for much longer than you wish.
Which leads me to my next tip. Go in with a goal. Give yourself a time limit or the goal of getting three new business contacts. Maybe you don’t really feel like being there but want to make an appearance. Set a small goal and when you hit it, allow yourself to leave.
Gamifying harder or less enjoyable tasks can sometimes make them much more fun.
You also never know, you may find yourself in a great conversation and not want to leave. My advice here is put something on the calendar immediately. When I find myself really vibing with someone, I say “let’s look at next week and plan a coffee or a walk.” Also, here’s a bonus tip: WALKING dates.
A 2020 study conducted in Hong Kong found that social walk and talks made connection easier than sitting across a table from each other. Wild right?!
You’re going to hate me for this next one but, SOCIAL MEDIA.
I will die on this hill, social media is the new business card. You may love it, you may hate it, but it’s the current reality. I think a simple reframe can make this easier on us though.
When you think about social media as this awful chore that you must do that you really want to avoid, you’ve already ruined it for yourself.
Instead, maybe try this instead: think of social media as a tool, let’s say a nail gun or a hammer. Think of your business and social network as the house you’re building. You absolutely may choose to build that house without the available tools, I won’t tell you how to build your house.
But you can also view it as a tool that you can choose to use to make the building easier. It’s up to you.
Finally, follow up with value and service. The next day after a networking event, I sit down and go in chronological order through the conversations that I had at a networking event.
Hear the difference between these two follow up messages. “Hi there, so great to meet you yesterday. Wondering if you know of anyone wanting to be a coaching client?” and “Hi there, so lovely to connect yesterday. I loved our conversation about roadtrips we had. I know you’re going to Nashville next week. Here’s a link to a restaurant I visited last time I was there that blew my socks off. Let’s grab a coffee or a walk when you get back so you can tell me about your trip!”
Both are nice messages, the recipient likely wouldn’t think anything of receiving the first message. But… think about. the second one. You’re sharing some relevant and helpful information as well as leaving the door open for further engagement in the future. You’ve established common ground as well as shown that you’re actually listening to what they say.
To conclude, it’s completely normal and expected to be uncomfortable in an unfamiliar setting. This is the human condition.
There’s some great strategies and tips that can be employed to make this process smoother and more enjoyable, but ultimately, sometimes it’s going to suck.
Give yourself grace and remember, the hardest part is showing up, so if you already did that, good job. Maybe look around and catch some eyes and ask someone a question. And then, shut your mouth and listen to their answer.
Hope this helps, hope you got some value from this post and if you’re not subscribed to my newsletter, please do so!
I consistently post and publish what I hope will serve and help others live better lives. Thanks for reading.
