Day 1: A New Beginning

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

Isn’t that an annoying quote? I looked it up to see if I could find out who originated the quote, and it’s really just every inspirational speaker ever, specifically those in recovery spaces.

I sat down to write, pretty depleted feeling. I have a goal to post a blog a week. This was the advice of the author coach I spoke with, to work to build my writing habit.

Problem is, I really only like to write when I feel good. So, 30 day challenge time.

As these thoughts are swirling in my head, my business mind is starting to kick in as well, “how can we make content out of this” and “you are your own ideal client, walk others through this too.”

So, like I do, I will.

I’m laying the ground rules in my head for a 30 day transformation and you know which rule comes up first, every time?

It’s the fucking alcohol. Alcohol is one helluva drug because it’ll creep back in so quietly and stealthily.

Literal words I’ve heard in my head: “It can’t be so bad if everyone is doing it” or “it’s okay, as long as you’re not paying for it” or “you’re doing so great, just a couple drinks won’t hurt that” or this believable one “ you’ve been working so hard; you deserve it”.

It’s like there’s a voice that lives in my head that wants me to ruin my progress and growth.

Why?

I know the answer. It’s my unconscious programing that can’t handle ascension to a higher level of living. But, no matter how much I know this, I still seem to get caught up and go back.

But maybe: it’s not the alcohol. Like, which came first, the chicken or the egg. Maybe I feel a certain way and then the alcohol seems like it would help. Or, do I drink alcohol and then feel a certain way? Does it actually matter for me to figure it out?

My grandmother was an alcoholic.

She stopped drinking in her 30s, my mom can remember (can’t forget) stories of before she quit. My entire life up until Grandma passed away in 2011, she was sober.

I’ve always heard the stories and felt one of two ways. The first way is, “well, thank god that’s not me” and the other way is, “oh my gosh, that’s me”. It’s kinda dependant on where I’m at with my drinking.

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I also do that thing where I think to myself: “well, it’s not that bad for me, I don’t black out and drive” (I have) or “well, I don’t do it around Luna” (I do) or “at least it doesn’t affect my friendships or relationships” (it absolutely does).

And it’s funny. It’s semi-exciting to decide to stop drinking, to go through the motions of making myself a priority. It gets boring about 45 days in, when the problems that aren’t alcohol related come to a head.

When you stop drinking, you think: “that’ll be nice for all my problems to go away” but then: it’s still you. There’s a quotable, “the only problems quitting alcohol solves are the alcohol problems”.

It’s a much bigger journey of self-excavation and turning inward.

It helps for me to declare things publicly, so here we are Day 1: April 29, 2024. Stay tuned.

I’ve been here before and this time it will be different.

I’m tired of waking up heavy headed and wondering if I’ve alienated the sweet and solid person that I’ve just started dating. Last week I woke up and couldn’t remember putting Luna to bed.

I can’t live like this, nor do I want to. I deserve better for myself and so does my child. Every time I allow alcohol in the door, even just a little, it’s only a matter of time before I eventually relinquish control. So, bye forever.